Blast from the Past

Wow oh wow. An exboyfriend came screeching back into my life today. He sent me an email and asked me to call him. We talked for about 40 minutes on the phone. He had pushed me out of his life due to someone else he had been seeing. We were tentative friends after the breakup. He spoke quite a bit about her. I am not quite sure what he wants. I am willing to be his friend again. As for anything else...I am unsure. I really never thought I would see him again that day he drove out of my life for Chicago. He was my first LDR. I always thought much of him as a person in general. That was over two years ago. He has been back in the same state as me for about year and a half. It was at that time he quit communicating with me. He wants to see me...maybe tomorrow. I have so much nervous energy right now. My head has got that swirling , spinning feeling. Where is the switch to turn off my brain?

Subtracting ....

My Dad's family is passing away quite quickly. It alarms me in that it all leads to my Dad. I am Daddy's girl. The thought of losing my own father, no matter how much I tell myself it is inevitable, is devastating. My dad's sister, my aunt is in ICU. She is not expected to make it through the week. Granted I am upset at the thought of her passing but we were never close. It was expected as she was diagnosed with colon cancer last year. She is according to the catholic church my god-mother. She never acted in that manner. She was never very self assured. She had many problems in her life which were self induced. She never seemed to be happy unless she was unhappy. I guess the best thing I learned from her was to have a great appreciation for the Beatles. I still remember the day John Lennon was shot because she cried sooo much. She will be joining her father, my grandfather, who passed last fall ( Thanksgiving & Popie ) and her cousin Johnny who passed in January. I miss both of these men quite a bit. Johnny was more of an uncle than a first cousin. In an attempt to make myself feel better, I am justifying all the death by rationalizing it makes way for new lives. I am hoping my generation will be adding to the clan. See--- Dad added too many people to the earth. He brought seven of us to life...or at least half of each of us. The universe must balance his additions by delaying the next generation. At this point I have only a single nephew and no children of my own. I hope the subtractions are making way for additions to our family.

Waking Thoughts

Ever wake up in the morning and wonder where a thought came from? What prompted this subject or that person to be the first thought of the morning? Is it the universe saying I should reach out? Is the Big Guy pushing you towards something or someone? I had one of those thoughts yesterday. Actually it was the second time this person had come up in my thoughts in the past six months. I have not seen him in over 10 years. And at that it was very brief. We weren't close friends in high school, just more of a passing kind of niceness. A bit of picking on each other on a long band trip to El Paso and back. I poked around on the internet. Bingo... found him. I have sent a hello out into cyberspace. Waiting to see if it comes back.

Enjoy Today

I still have not learned this lesson. I do have days I truely enjoy the moment I am in...but far too often it is not the case. How do I teach myself to quit wondering what I could have done to make the past turn out different? How do I make myslef quit worrying about a future that has not shown up? Maybe it is all just the stress of an uncertain life right now. I did not think I would have THIS much trouble finding a job. Do I expect too much from a job position? A boyfriend? Myself?